omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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