allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
