The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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