my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
