We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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