i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
