Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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