those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
