I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
