You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
