what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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