what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
