So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm passing your future prison.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
