You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
