I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
