you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
