May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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