So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
