you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
last night I used snow as a chaser
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