I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
