When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
