I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
