Fine. I'll sleep in my office
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
