did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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