everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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