Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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