I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
