So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
