fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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