A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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