I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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