I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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