Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
