Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
