She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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