Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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