There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
