uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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