Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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