walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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