I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
