a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
