Just mADE A PArabola og urine
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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