There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
