Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I intend to get homeless drunk
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
