fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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