he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
