I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
