I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
