I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
