Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
